MINDSET

Apr

2023

Getting Out of the Pit

I had just left the meeting.

It went horribly!

Maybe you know the type. The kind where you feel like you just crashed and burned and then blew up at the end. It was an utter, dismal failure. To such a point that I was ready to quit.

The thoughts were running through my head, such as “you can never be good at this.” Or “I will never succeed.” Those were just a couple of the thoughts as I mentally threw haymakers at myself.

Recently I was reading the book Boundaries for Leaders, and I learned about Martin Seligman’s three “P’s.” As I reflect on that situation I realize I was taking myself down the pit these three P’s lead us to.

Allow me to explain the three P’s and suggest a way to lead ourselves better to prevent allowing them to take us into the pit of despair.

Personal

In my situation, I was taking the result and assuming that it was my fault that I would not succeed. We need to assume responsibility for our actions, but that is all. We can’t assume responsibility for the actions or responses of others. When we slip down the slope of personalizing the situation we say to ourselves that we are bad. We make the negative result all about us. Nothing is 100% about us.

Pervasive

As I slid further down the pit I thought that not only was this one situation bad, but so were all sorts of other things. When we slide here we allow ourselves to get into a negative mindset seeing the bad in all situations. This can be shifted, but I will get to that in just a moment.

Permanent

This is the point where I got and sent a text to my mentor and coach “I’m ready to quit.” This was when I thought it would never get better. This will always be this bad. Why should I even try? We have hit the bottom of the pit at this point and need to find a way to dig out.

How do we dig out?

People

Just like I sent that text when we feel ourselves sliding into the pit we need people we can reach out to. These would be people in our inner circle who help us and will graciously speak truth into our lives.

Positive

A slight shift could have helped me not go deeper as I slid into the pervasive mode. Focusing on the things that have gone well in the past. What we focus on expands. If we focus in a negative moment on all the negative . . . that is all we will see. On the other hand, if we find positive in these negative moments and continue to focus on that we prevent our slide.

Perspective

Cloud describes an exercise where you draw a line down the middle of a page. On one side write down all that you can’t control. Chances are this is a lot of the negative. After you have finished that list put an X through it and stop focusing on it.

On the other side of the paper write down all that you can control. This exercise helps us regain perspective and reframe our mind on the positive in a practical way.

We are the most difficult people to lead. I hope this serves as a tool to help you lead yourself more effectively to improve your mindset and results. Want to dive deeper into winning the mental battle? Check out this resource to help you continue to grow in this area. Lead Well.

Oct

2022

Roadblocks to Momentum Part III

I was standing about to step off the edge into what I could not see. I would be staring at a wall of rock the entire time hoping I would not crash into the wall and break my legs or plummet to the ground uncontrollably and die. This experience of rappelling off a rock is like stepping into the unknown of building a business.

At the point of jumping for either experience we battle mental monsters. Two voices compete in our mind and more often than I want to admit the negative voice wins and blocks my momentum. This voice is the voice of limiting beliefs. This voice often pushes us toward what Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset in her book Mindset which I talked more in depth about here. For now, allow me to suggest three ways we may limit our momentum.

Past Experiences

Up until that point I had never jumped off a rock into the unknown with someone at bottom I am trusting my life to. All my past experiences say that if I jump into the unknown I will get hurt. These same experiences impact how much we are willing to move forward.

For years I had a “secure” paycheck and to build a business required . . . well I didn’t know exactly. I knew it required a lot of work and would be exciting, but also terrifying because I still had to feed my family and pay bills. Not only at jumping point, but daily I choose to step into growth and the unknown even though I do not know what to expect. Instead of allowing past experiences to limit me, movement continues the momentum.

Results

Once I stepped off the ledge and fell into the unknown my heart was beating and then my feet hit the wall, flexed my knees, and pushed myself away. With each contact I grew more confident, and the momentum grew. This is no different in other area we are trying to gain momentum.

In other industries I had experienced success. These results encouraged my belief I could be successful in a new endeavor. Momentum is easy to maintain when we see results that are evident like on the mountain wall. The limiting beliefs creep in when we see results that could reinforce the thought we can’t do it. What do we do? Borrow belief from those ahead in the journey or get people in our life who can help us identify the lies and replace them with truth.

History

You may not be a person of faith or agree with this idea but stick with me for the sake of illustration. I’ve heard it said that when the devil reminds you of your past (failures), remind him of his future (destruction). We all fail and may think because of our past lack of experience, failures, or . . . that we can’t do what we are envisioning.

There is truth that we may have limitations we need to grow through or get people around us to help us when we are weak. Sometimes though, we are simply limiting ourselves by believing lies. One of my mentors introduced me to a great phrase. “Up until now” I haven’t or couldn’t . . . just because we haven’t done it YET doesn’t mean we will not eventually succeed.

What is limiting you? I know sometimes I need someone to come alongside me to help me get out of my own way. Maybe people on your team struggle with one or all of these. If I can help you and those you lead gain momentum through breaking through these barriers contact me so we can discover ways I can serve you. Lead well.

Apr

2022

Winning the Mental Battle

We are a Marvel movie family and recently we watched the second movie in the Venom series. You may think I am crazy that I am writing something about this movie and tying it to leadership in some way. Stick with me for a minute.

For those of you not familiar with the movie the quick summary is that an amoeba alien has become symbiotically attached to the main character. During the movie Eddie constantly seems like he is talking to himself. In reality he has an ongoing conversation with Venom. After watching I thought about how each of us has a Venom inside our heads.

We all talk to ourselves, but how can we manage that conversation like Eddie had to manage his conversations with Venom?

Hear Venom

Let me reassure you. You are not crazy. We all talk to ourselves. At times we are too busy to hear the voice or we try to avoid it because it drives us crazy. The voice in our head may serve us well . . . or not, but we will get to that in a moment.

During this movie there is a scene where Venom tells Eddie to look in a jail cell right before he is about to leave. In that cell are clues to what is going on in the movie. This is when the voice serves us well. We get this hunch to go somewhere, have a conversation with someone, do something, or any of something else. We act even though it makes no sense and something good happens or something bad is prevented. Take time to listen to the voice, but then go to the next step.

Test Venom

In the first movie Eddie had no clue what was going on and didn’t know if this voice was trustworthy. Similarly, we need to test the thoughts coming to our mind. My favorite book talks about “taking every thought captive.” When you hear the thought pause enough to evaluate if this thought is true and will it serve you well.

Decide if you Should Agree with Venom

We have heard the thought and tested the thought and now we need to decide what to do with the thought. Here are a few options:

Ignore the thought because it does not serve us and replace it with a thought that does serve us well.
Think on the thought to determine if we should continue to think into and act on it later.
Act on the thought if it serves us or could potentially serve us without major negative impact.

We all have a voice in our head. Accept that as a reality and even give it a name so, when necessary, it can be confronted directly. Our thoughts do not have to control us. Consider what we dwell on and focus on what is true, right, and serves us well to help us reach our vision.

Where in this process do you get stuck? Need help breaking through these limiting beliefs? Contact me for a no cost to you thirty-minute coaching session to help you think into your self-leadership. Sometimes the voice gets so loud we need someone else to help us test and decide. You are fighting the same fight everyone is. Remember you choose what you focus on. Focus on what is true and lead well.

Apr

2021

Fixed or Growth Mindset?

I was talking with a friend of mine one day about work. He was very frustrated and wanted to continue to see opportunities in his job, but he felt stuck. I said, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Which of these most resonates with you: ‘this is how I am and always will be’ or ‘Up until now I’ve been this way, but I can change’?”

He paused for a moment and said, “the first one.”

We continued our conversation and after asking his permission I explained the difference between a fixed and growth mindset. In my two phrases above the first is a fixed mindset while the second is growth. Why does this even matter?

Our mindset affects every aspect of our lives. How we approach our work, money, family, leadership of others, and most importantly leading ourselves. This foundational focus influences how we make leadership decisions. Let me explain.

Limited to Plenty

Imagine you have an uncut pie in front of you and there are fifteen people who want some. We can look at that pie and say, “there is only enough for some of us to eat the pie” or is there another way? We can see the pie and think “there is plenty for all of us to each have a slice.” This perspective influences everything.

When I’ve had a business deal not go the way I want I have a choice in that moment. Will I get depressed and think there will never be another opportunity? If so, then I will wallow in self-pity, stop moving forward and possibly get depressed. The other option is to remember there is an abundance of opportunity and take the next step forward.

Can I to How Can I

We don’t remember what we were like when we were learning to walk, but I bet we had more of a growth mindset. Think about it. We probably did not fall down and then think “can I even do this walking thing?” Of course not, we fell, cried or whined a little, and eventually got back up.

I remember watching my sons learn to walk and each wobbly step took them a little further. They fell, maybe cried or not, and then got back up exemplifying the thought “how can I?” They wanted to be like the big people around them. When we have a goal worth pursuing we find solutions instead of focusing on the problem. Growth is always saying “how can I?” and taking the next step.

Stretch to Grow

I used to be a strength and conditioning coach. My role was to help the athletes get stronger, faster, and prevent injury. One athlete I remember was very talented, but when it came time to push himself he would quit.

One day he was doing an exercise and missed the final rep. I encouraged him to try one more time and he missed it again. The first words out of his mouth were “I don’t care.” That is a sign of a fixed mindset. A person who was not willing to step out of his comfort zone to stretch and grow. An athlete willing to stretch would have said “what can I do, coach?” To grow we must get uncomfortable. As we work through the discomfort we stretch and grow more into the leader we can become.

Which mindset do you most often have? If you are stuck in a fixed mindset what is one way you can get out of your comfort zone today to grow? Want a resource to help you with developing your growth mindset check out this digital resource developed by fellow Executive Director with the John Maxwell Team and retired Chief Master Sergeant Mike Lightner and myself on developing a growth mindset. Lead Well.

Jul

2020

Leading Humbly in a Noisy World

The music is blaring, the crowd is raucous and everybody’s having a great time. Maybe this reminds you of a concert you once attended. This makes me think of something else.

Every day I check one of my e-mail accounts and I am reminded of all the noise vying for my attention. There is trending news which seems to change regularly, Facebook posts, Instagram, Twitter, Snap Chat and whatever new social media platform now exists since I wrote this sentence. They all have great benefits, but I struggle with the reality that they provide constant noise and self-promotion.

I was reading John Maxwell’s book Good Leaders Ask Great Questions and one idea struck me. In his chapter that explores the concept of self-leadership, one question looks at the concept of humility. In this particular section he states:

“Humility doesn’t mean being weak. It just means thinking of yourself less. It means being realistic and grounded. It means valuing others and their contributions. People like working with a leader with those characteristics.”

After reading this statement I thought: can I be successful as a leader when in the corporate world it seems humility is viewed as weakness and social media seems to emphasize the importance of promoting yourself? After some thought I have decided absolutely any of us can be successful as leaders with humility. A humble approach may seem to some as a lack of confidence, but in reality it brings out at least the following three qualities that demonstrate a quiet strength:

Selflessness

Let’s face it, the most important person in the world to us is the individual we look at in the mirror. We constantly worry about our problems and fail to consider the needs of those around us, but when we do it demonstrates humility. If you ask “how are you?” take time to listen

to the reply and ask more questions. In the process people will know you care and maybe the challenges you are facing will not seem so daunting. We want to follow people who think more of others than themselves so developing this attribute will be a step in growing our success.

Teachability

A phrase comes to mind in regard to this idea: if you stop growing, you sto

p going. I am sure I probably heard this from someone, but the principle is true. The greatest challenge for elite athletes is to keep their “edge” and continue to improve. There is always a new younger, better talent coming up so their challenge is to continue to be teachable and grow otherwise they will get passed. This is no different for any leader. If we quit growing then someone else will soon hold our position. Listening to those we lead, seeking opportunities for personal development, and being teachable are part of that growth process.

An Empowering Mindset

As a recovering control freak this area is both greatly rewarding and challenging. This quality demonstrates valuing others as John mentioned above. A humble leader will realize when they are out of their strength zone, let go of control and seek someone else to lead in that area. Maybe you run a small business and have been doing the marketing for years, but have realized there are others who can do it quicker, easier, and better than you . . . empower them and see them grow, your organization excel, and your time open to focus on what makes you more effective.

What about you? Do you feel the pressure to constantly self-promote? Is part of you tired and stressed from trying to keep the world revolving around your agenda personally and professionally? When you look at these three qualities what is one step you can take right now to grow in any of these areas? Awareness is the first step, the second is one small change. As I am learning, the less I think about me and instead think about how to serve others the better I lead both myself and others. Lead well with humility.

Apr

2020

Three Ways to Handle Adversity

Life is not selective. I was talking to some friends and the impact of the present global crisis varies.

Some are impacted economically . . . some are minimally impacted.

Some have family they are grateful to be with . . . and are driving them crazy.

Some people are alone and isolated in their homes fighting to stay mentally healthy.

Some are angry . . . some are scared. . . . some are content.

All have life going on.

Whether in crisis or not adversity comes through unforeseen circumstances that may impact us financially, emotionally, socially, or at a deeper level.

About a month ago I heard leadership expert John Maxwell highlight principles on dealing with adversity.¹ From my notes these are a few ideas which I hope encourage and/or challenge you today.

Perspective

John pointed out life is full of both good and bad, but we can choose our attitude. Let me illustrate this from a different perspective. Tim Grover was the personal strength coach for elite basketball players like Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant. In his book Relentless ²(NOTE: if you do read it be warned the language, etc. can be strong) he describes three types of athletes: Coolers, Closers, and Cleaners.

Another way to describe these people are good, great, and unstoppable. Kobe and Michael were the last, but why? Because they had an attitude that “it” was going to get done. Nothing was going to stop them from achieving their goals. Grover had to work harder to prevent them from overtraining than to get them to train at their highest level. These two athletes continually chose an unstoppable attitude and their results demonstrate the effect.

Thinking

You may be believe perspective and thinking are the same . . . kind of, but stick with me. John highlighted in this talk that what we focus on expands. During this time you may have heard the idea “feed your faith, starve your fears.” Where our thinking goes so goes our results.

Maybe right now money is a concern either personally or from a cashflow standpoint for your organization. If we focus our thinking on worrying “will the money come?” We are feeding worry and will eventually get ourselves stuck.

On the other hand, if we add one word: “how will the money come?” or even better change the question entirely to “what need can we meet?” We have now shifting from feeding fear and worry to feeding faith and hope. This is not easy but pay attention to which you are feeding and shift to feeding the one which will move you forward.

Action

I have heard it said that emotion is simply energy in motion. We’ve all heard and even felt the “I don’t feel like it” excuse. Have you ever tried something new and worried excessively at first only to realize it wasn’t that bad after all?

Think about it, when we learned to ride a bike, we didn’t think and have the best attitude to make it reality . . . we got on the bike. We maintained the proper perspective and thinking whenever we fell, got back on and eventually one day could ride with no hands. None of that happens unless we get in motion.

Friend, I am not sure what you are going through beyond the common struggle we all are having right now but know this. You have what it takes to lead your team, organization, family, and yourself through this. What is an adjustment you need to make today in one of these three areas? If you want me to come alongside you and your team to help process leading through adversity, contact me. Lead well!

Leading Through Adversity talk by John C. Maxwell https://youtu.be/UZp7nCLICyc
Grover, Tim S. Relentless: From Good to Great to Unstoppable. Scribner, 2013.